Thursday, April 2, 2009

Idears on an Accent

For some to hear the pronunciation of a word like "whatevER" as "whatevAH" simply means you're probably in a familiah bah drinkin' Cawz Lights with wicked cool shits. To othahs, the sound of a place called "Clarke's" pronounced as "Claaahks" may cause confusion or perhaps even cringing as if hearing nails on a chaulkboard. For me, the worse the Mass. accent, the more entahtainin', I mean - entertaining.

While the substitution of "ah" for "er" is well documented and understood in the Massachusetts-version of spoken English, there are other common tendencies in a Masshole's speaking patterns that don't get as much air play but are necessary to complete the full package. For instance, think of the word "bathroom." Clearly, there is no "er" in there to be butchered into an "ah." Howevah, some Massholes (especially old school ones) pronounce this word as if they were a member of the English royalty. Don't believe me? Okay, imagine you're at a cookout (barbecues don't exist in the Bay State) thrown by one of your friend's parents who grew up in the Boston area.

Guest: Excuse me, I need to use the facilities.

Friend's Mom/Dad: Oh, okay. Um, walk down the hall, turn right, and the bahhhthroom is the second door to the left.

"Bahhhthroom? Where the hell did that come from?" you might think. A minute ago, that parent just pronounced "corn on the cob" as a "cawnahcob" yet here they are busting out some kind of cockney accent to describe the lavatory. Trust me, I've heard Massholes pronounce that word this way and I have no idea how or why. They may even shorten it to "the bahhhth." Oh yeah, when you're getting ready to leave the party and discard of your empty Solo cup, that same parent will direct you to the "rubbish bin" instead of a garbage can.

The last observation of Masshole-speak is inspired by my daughter's name. While we know by now that an "er" is replaced by an "ah," what about a word that ends in "a" or "ah"? The answer: just do the opposite and substitute "er." Example - assuming we still live at East 3rd in Southie 15 years from now, Sully from down the block will not call our house looking for Greta. Instead, that little punk ass will ask for "Gretter." If I anwered the phone call, I'd either promptly hang up or tell Sully he "bettah not have any idears about getting frisky with my daughtah."

Why am I going on such a tangent about this? The answer - Hollywood. Next time a movie is set in Massachusetts and the producer or director wants one of its characters to sound like a native, DO NOT take lessons from any of the following:

- Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. Was he going for Australian or Bostonian?
- Kevin Costner in Thirteen Days. I think Mayor Quimby is a better representation of the accent than Costner's Kenny O'Donnell.
- Diane Lane in The Perfect Storm. She gets fewer minus points due to her uber-cougar status, but man her accent sucked in this movie.

(Don't even get me started on the Irish accents of Tommy Lee Jones in Backdraft or Richard Gere in The Jackal - or better yet, the Russian accents of Sean Connery in Hunt for Red October or Harrison Ford in his submarine movie.)

Now prove to me that more than 3 people read this blog. Click on the comment link below and tell me your favorite Masshole words/expressions, or your candidate for the "Bad Actor's Accent Hall of Fame." You don't have to identify yourself - anonymous is just as good. If you don't want to, whatevah...


MichelleT said...

WORST...Tim Robbins in Mystic Rivier.

Britt said...

Amazing post- PS. Tom Hanks in catch me if you can is pretty terrible.

And why don't you let me help you with the countahhhhhh so you can track yah hits.

Matt said...

I second Tim Robbins.

"You awhhhhh cryin' Tommy." Eeek.

They must hire local voice coaches who become too star struck to tell the Hollywood star that they are pronouncing watermelon like a retarded Australian with a speech impediment.

OK, let's try it again. Watermelon.


OK, one more time. Watermelon.


Good. Watermelon.


mconnell said...

My favorite colloquelism is the Mass negative positive - an example would be;
"I just love the food at Kelly's."
"Oh, so don't I!"

Melissa said...

That was wicked awesome kid.


This might be offensive but here goes: Retaahdid

Irregardless is not a word but massholes use it.

Matt Damon's accent in GWH was so bad.

darla said...

I read and love all your posts Daddio! I also happen to kinda like the mass accent, much preferred to a southern belle accent. Keep writing, I can use the cultchah?

LK said...

I think the movie "Departed" makes this list too!!

Shannon said...

Shoulders shook laughing at the ├╝ber cougar comment. Wicked pissah.

Dennis said...

Great feedback dudes. I'm so upset I forgot "irregardless"!

MWG said...

I have to go with Retaahdid.....classic Mass-hole!

chamoiswillow said...

Dude, I'm wicked tiyid. I think I'll go to bed now.

Worst Boston accent attempt - Rob Morrow in the movie Quiz Show.

Scott Stevens said...

Good call on Rob Morrow. That was horrendous.

Diane Lane might be the worst actress ever. She's so bad, her cougar status should be revoked.

Anonymous said...

You forgot one important one, the word "drawer" which massholes (I am one too) pronounce "draw".

chamoiswillow said...

I just thought of one more masshole phrase, used when agreeing with something that has been said,
"So Don't I" Huh?