Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

G, here are some hints to help with the translation of communication by your loving father and mother in case you ever find yourself confused:

When daddy says that he wants to leave by 8:00, he means that the car will actually be pulling away from the sidewalk en route to its intended destination within 60 seconds of the clock striking 8:00.

(I apologize for writing in the third-person but Elmo and Rickey Henderson must be rubbing off on me.)

When mommy says that she will leave somewhere by 8:00, she means some vague moment between 8:00 and 11:45 after she walks to Dunkies to get her coffee (she hasn’t missed a cup since sometime in the 1980’s, I think), showers, blow dries her hair, mulls through 4 or 5 different outfit possibilities while strewing them haphazardly throughout her room, catches up on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, checks her e-mail, and uploads some photos to Facebook. Then, she’ll be ready to go. And no matter what the clock says, it is 8:00 in her book.

When daddy says that he is tipping out on something, he really likes it.

When mommy says that something is her favorite thing in the universe or she hearts it big time, she really likes it.

When daddy says that he is fine, he really is.

When mommy says that she is fine, either you or I or both of us are in trouble.

When daddy says that dinner was good, he really means it.

When mommy says that our next door neighbor is “okay looking,” she’s lying. You can tell because she gets googley-eyed and thinks he’s a dreamy mchottie.

When daddy says that an outfit looks good on mommy, he really means it.

When mommy says that anything was “eh” and shrugs, there’s no way she liked it at all.

When daddy says he wants a treat, he would like an Irish whiskey or a vodka martini with olives.

When mommy says she wants a treat, it better have chocolate in, on, and/or around it.

When daddy says he’s going to bed early, he means sometime before midnight.

When mommy says that she’s staying up late, she means anytime after 9:30.

And when daddy and mommy say that they love you more than anything else in the world, they truly mean it.

A very happy and healthy new year to all!


MichelleT said...

okay, I admit it. Our neighbor is hottie mc hottie pants. There you have it. And I am usually only 20mins later than my estimated time - not 3.5 hours.

Scott said...

I think think all women might be sisters.

Den, I want to see "The Book of Eli" as well. I don't know why but movies like that interest me. I think it would he really cool to be a total badass like those characters. I wish I was Jason Bourne.

Melissa DelPrete said...

Hold up. Your neighbor looks like that and I haven't met him yet?!?!! What is going on here?

When Melissa says she wants a piece of that, she really means it.

Happy New Year!!!

Britt said...

Great post! I usually laugh and cry (or get verklempt) when I read your blog. Keep up the good work. You would be surprised - I think you have more than 17 readers. Looking forward to your 2010 posts! Happy New Year.

DarcC said...

Great post! Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...


Shannon said...

Laughed outloud while reading this to Dave. :)

Dennis said...

I am so excited to welcome my Chinese readers! We're going big time.

Dennis said...

Michelle T, 30 mins is more like it. Scott - I love post-apocalpytic flicks. Bourne movies rock my world, too. MDP - you rock my world, too, kid! Britt, thank you for the sweet note. DarcC, Happy New Year to you, too! Shannon, congrats on your # 2. I hope all 4 of you are doing well! And EmmieJDriskell, 你好,我取一下夹克.